Big Boned: The New Seduction
by Ashley The Genie
Summary: Cartman and the boys decide to make their very own perfume. Hey all the celebrities are doin' it, right?
1. Brilliant Schemes & Other Themes

**Ashley the Genie Presents**

**Big-Boned: The New Seduction**

**Chapter One:  
Brilliant Schemes and Other Themes**

**Aww... all of the reviews for my last story were so sweet. Remember, though, I write a lot of satire, so not a lot of my fics should be taken seriously. Glad you liked it, though. :) Also, this chapter is MEANT to be mostly dialog, for any critics out there.  
**

**Unfortunately, due to the rules of fanfiction, I am not allowed to mention any 'real' people in a fanfiction. Therefore, it is forbidden that I have any celebrity guests. However, I can switch up the names and see who can guess that celebrity.**

**Wow... one day I'll have my own game show. "Guess... That... CELEBRITY!" -applause- **

**Disclaimer: Obviously I don't own South Park, as I am not genius enough to come up with that satirical masterpiece. **

"Guys, guys!" Instead of knocking, Cartman had barged right into Stan's household without so much as a knock in the middle of the guys playing Scrabble. Kenny was winning, since he managed to spell 'Playboy' on a triple word score square.

"What, fat-ass?" Kyle yelled in mock-excitement.

"Very funny, Kyle. I guess I won't tell you my brilliant plan to make ten million dollars." Cartman stuck his tongue out.

"Another one?" Stan didn't even look up from the board as he asked. "Jesus, Cartman, when are you going to learn? We're not gonna make another band are we? I'm sick of that stuff."

"No, no, you guys, it's even better! Stan, does your sister have any of her girly magazines up in her room?"

"Probably, dude. It's not like I go up there and check. I wouldn't snoop around in Shelley's room even if she was stone cold and six feet under. Trust me, she'd find a way to get out of her grave and beat the shit outta me."

"What if she was cremated?" Kenny asked

"She'd kick my ass when I got into heaven."

"That's fine, I've got one of my own," Cartman pulled out an issue of _Glamour Girl _and starting flipping the pages.

"Cartman, you're buying womens' magazines now? Is there something you're not telling us?" Kyle and the boys all laughed at him, but Cartman didn't respond. "You're not the next Mr. Garrison, are you?"

"No, you guys! Now, I want you to go through and count how many perfume samples you can find that are made by a celebrity." He handed over that magazine, and the other three flipped through.

With each perfume ad they came across, they all three sniffed. Most of the samples weren't anything special, so Stan, Kenny and Kyle wondered what Cartman was thinking. "I don't get it, Cartman. None of these smell all that great."

Cartman looked excited. "I know, but check out the prices."

'Holy shit, dude!" Kyle yelled when he saw that one bottle of a perfume called 'Delicious Light' was 57 dollars. There wasn't even that much in the whole bottle! "How much are the others?"

Now they flipped through trying to find the most expensive, and the cheapest one. The most expensive was 62 dollars for 'B.L.A.M' by Glen Stephanie. The cheapest was still 50 dollars for one called 'Curiosity' by Courtney Lears. "Do people actually _pay_ for this stuff?" Stan asked him.

"Yeah! Women _love_ perfume. And men love women, so they buy them perfume. Get it?"

The boys were in shock. This actually didn't sound like a bad idea. None of the perfumes in the magazine were any good to them, so why not make their own? However, there was still a problem.

"How do you make perfume?" Kyle asked

"I don't know, I was hopin' you guys knew. Or maybe Stan's sister knows." But Stan refused to ask his sister. She was upstairs listening to a Courtney Lears CD right now and a pack of wild buffalo wouldn't make him interrupt her to ask. "Well, what about your mom?"

Well, his mom wasn't as scary as his sister, so Stan agreed. They found her busy chopping vegetables. "Mom?"

"Yes, Stanley?"

"How do you make perfume?"

"I don't know, Stanley. Why do you ask?"

"Because all the celebrities and doing it, and we wanna make money."

"If all the celebrities were diving off a bridge for money, would you do it?"

Kenny didn't hesitate that one. "Hell yeah. Are they attached to bungee cords?"

"Look, if you want to make a homemade perfume, I won't stop you. Just make sure you clean up your mess." With that, she went back to chopping veggies. Oh, those poor veggies.

Kyle suggested they go to his house and look it up on the internet, instead of agreeing to Kenny's idea which was sticking everything they thought smelled good into a blender and mixing it all together until it turned into a liquid form.

Of course, when they Googled it, instead of actually finding the answer, they found even more ads for perfumes, along with an even bigger variety of celebrities trying to make money off of the mediocre scents. So it was time to go back to plan A and shove stuff in a blender.

Cartman reminded them that it was mostly women who bought perfume, so along with what they thought smelled good, they should put things women liked in the perfume, as well. They knew they would have to make multiple bottles, so Kenny and Kyle took turns writing down the formula and suggesting ingredients, while Stan and Cartman took turns shoving stuff in the blender. When the 'recipe' called for flowers, they realized that the climate of their redneck, white-trash, ho-dunk mountain town would not allow them to put a lot of flowers in the perfume. Stan's fingers were numb before he finally found a few buds under the 2 feet of snow.

"Women like the smell of fruit." Cartman told them. "Got any fruit?"

"Dude, how do you even know this?" Kyle asked, going to look in the fruit bowl.

"Didn't you pay any attention, Jew? Half of the perfume samples in here smell like apples or something."

Kyle rolled him eyes before throwing in a banana that still had the peel on it. "Make sure you write that down, Kenny."

Kenny did so and looked over the ingredients. Socks, car air freshener, leather, scented candles, one week old sandwich, a sharpie, flowers, and a banana (complete with the peel). They all seemed pretty please with this, and finally put the lid on before blending it all together.

"How long till it's in liquid form?" Stan asked, peering inside.

"How should I know?" Cartman snatched the list from Kenny.

"What should we call it?" Kyle piped up.

"It has to be something bold." Cartman replied

"No, no." Kenny shook his head. "It has to be something that sounds really, really seductive or sexy. Like 'Heat'."

"I like 'Heat'." Stan agreed. "That sounds cool. Hey, what's seductive mean, anyway?"

Kenny began to explain the definition of the word seduction in the most graphic way possible, which would get this fic banned if his explanation were to be written here.

"It's done, it's done!" Cartman exclaimed, jumping with joy. "Woo-hoo, we'll be rich!"

Kyle turned off the blender, "Who's gonna sniff it first?"

Cartman, knowing full well which one of them was willing to do just about anything, volunteered Kenny. "Go ahead, Kenny, take a whiff and tell us whatcha think."

Kenny shrugged and prepared for the worst...


	2. Models

**Ashley the Genie Presents**

**Big-Boned: The New Seduction**

**Chapter Two:  
Models  
**

**Ha ha, thanks for your sweet reviews. Woo-hoo, I've got some fans! ;D**

**Disclaimer: Um... I'm pretty sure Stone and Parker know that they created South Park and I didn't. **

"Wait!" Kenny yelled. "There's still some chunks of the sock left. Maybe we need more liquid?"

Cartman let out an exasperated sigh and went to go get a glass of water, which he dumped in carelessly. "Write that down, Jew."

Kyle grumbled and reluctantly did as he was told. Kenny put the lid back on and let the ingredients mix together a little bit more. Poor Stan hasn't even been mentioned once in the chapter... oh wait.

"Hey, hold the phone..." Kyle stopped the blender for a moment. "Don't we need a bottle to put it in?"

"You don't think I thought about that, Jew? I stole some of my mom's old perfumes and dumped them in the sink." he pulled three empty bottles out of his pocket and placed them by the blender. "We can see which one looks best. Are you ready for the test-sniff, Kenny?"

Kenny simple gave them a thumbs up and climbed the stepladder they had been using to get to the top of the blender. _Here goes nothing_. He thought. Well, it couldn't be any worse than getting dumped by Bebe. After he took a big whiff, Kenny realized that he was still alive. In fact, he went back for a second sniff. "Cool, check it out you guys."

The guys gathered around and all sniffed it, extremely proud of their work, and relieved that they had written down the formula. Cartman kept bragging that it was his idea, until Kyle finally told him to shut up. Specifically to 'shut his fat ass up'.

"What did you say to me?"

"You heard me. We already know it was your idea, OK?"

"God, Kyle I hate you so much."

"Like I care."

They poured the 'perfume' into the three bottles and ventured into the town of South Park to try and test it on the local women. Kyle got a red Sharpie and wrote 'Heat' is pretty cursive letters on all three of the bottles.

A few minutes went by before a woman finally stopped at the stand and looked at their perfume. "Aww, what is this?"

"It's a new perfume; Heat by Eric Cartman." Cartman told her. "It's the latest craze sweeping the nation!"

"What?!" Kyle yelled. "We all made this perfume together, fat-ass! Stop taking credit for everything!"

"Kyle, who's idea was it?" Cartman argued. "Besides, only one person can take credit for the perfume. It can only be by one person. And I think it's fair to say that _I _can be the model for it."

"You're just saying that! And later, you'll use it as an excuse to get most of the money!"

"Fine, Kyle! You can have this one, and I'll make my own! You'll be sorry! You'll _all _be sorry! I'll be the next big thing!" Cartman stormed off, and the woman backed away from their perfume stand, scared.

"Thanks a lot, Kyle, now we don't have a model for the perfume." Stan said.

"Grr... We don't _need_ Cartman to be our model! One of us will do it, and he won't be stealing all the money we make!"

Stan looked around. "Which one of us will be the model?"

"Here," Kyle took off Stan's hat and fluffed his hair up. "Um... I don't know anything about perfume models except that they usually have messy hair in the photos. Kenny?" he turned toward his hooded friend.

"No, he doesn't look alluring enough. Here, let's go get some gel and stuff for him."

The boys put a 'closed' sign on their perfume stand and left to find hair gel for Stan.

Meanwhile... Cartman had ventured to Dr. Mephisto's lab to make his own perfume. He was so determined to beat the others, shoving stuff in a blender simply would not do the trick.

"I don't know, Eric. I'm more into genetic engineering. I'm not too sure how to go about making you a perfume."

"Please? I need to beat Stan and Kyle, so I need your help making the perfume!"

"A male making perfume seems a little strange. Why not make a cologne?"

"Whatever! I just need to make something! It also has to have a sexy, seductive name like Kenny said."

While Dr. Mephisto tried to stir up a cologne for him, Cartman sat back, trying to think of a good name. Kenny already suggested 'Heat' for the other perfume, so Cartman needed something ten times better than that. Every other sexy, seductive name was already taken by the celebrities trying to make more money. His muse just wasn't coming to him.

_Dreams_? he thought for a minute. _Nah, sounds like a pussy name. No guy would want to buy something called Dreams. _Without Kenny around to suggest naughty words, this was harder than it looked. He thought of many other names; Enhancement, Stimulation, Temptation, Hunk, Hunkalicious, Tease, and even Bewitched. However, none of them seemed to fit the bill. Perhaps he would think of something when he finally sniffed it.

When Dr. Mephisto was finished, he handed over the bottle for Cartman to smell. That was it... the aroma was his muse. As soon as he inhaled, Cartman plotted his scheme to get rich all over again. And this time he wouldn't have to share the money with any of his 'friends'. He _had _to show this to somebody! It would be huge!

"Did you write the formula down?" he asked Mephisto excitedly.

He handed it over, but told Cartman the dangers about an untested experiment. 'Be very careful, Eric, you don't know what this could do. I would suggest testing it on a smll amount of skin first."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah." Cartman walked out, determined to become the next big thing.

However, Stan, Kyle and Kenny were working hard to compete with whatever Cartman would throw at them.


	3. Heat's New Face

**Ashley the Genie Presents**

**Big-Boned: The New Seduction**

**Chapter Three:  
Heat's New Face  
**

**More sweet reviews. I did nothing to deserve you people.**

**Disclaimer: Repeat after me: FAN Fiction. :-P**

"What do you think? I call it 'Big Boned: The New Seduction'. Pretty sweet, right?" Cartman told Ms. Magazine Editor, who was sitting in her fancy schmancy chair, sniffing the cologne.

"You're very talented, little boy. What did you say your name was?" She set the bottle down and wrote on a piece of paper, because that's what bigshot editors do.

"Eric Cartman." Cartman blinked to give himself the innocent child look he pulled off very well. It allowed to get away with things nobody else could ever think of. Like taking naughty pictures with Butters, for example... "Big Boned by Eric Cartman. It'll make at least 10 million!"

"Yes, but an ad in our magazine would cost a bit. Are you willing to pay to advertise your product?"

"Yes, ma'am. I smashed open my piggy bank yesterday and I've got all the money in my pocket." _Just keep this up, she'll cave soon... _Cartman thought.

"Aww, you are so sweet. Tell you what, I'll give you a discount." she smiled at him. _Score! _Cartman did a mental victory dance. "Twenty dollars a page."

Cartman shook his head. "You're breakin' my balls Ms. Magazine Editor."

"Fifteen?"

"Ouch! Take that tight grip off my balls!"

"Twelve is as low as I can go, honey." she now raised an eyebrow at him, and he realized his innocent charm was drifting.

"Twelve is good."

They shook hands and Cartman was on his way. The night before, he stayed up until dawn making more cologne. None of it came out quite as good as Mephito's version, but it would have to do. It smelled better than some of stuff out there already. As cheap as he was, Cartman knew it would take a bit to get this operation started. He was prepared, and even had a photoshoot so he could model for his product. He laughed, wondering how the others were doing...

"Perfect!" Kenny yelled, admiring the makeover they had given Stan. His normally limp hair was fluffed up with gel, he wore one a fancy silk shirt they managed to steal from a laundromat, unbuttoned, and Kenny razored his jeans. At first Stan objected, because they were his favorite pair. Until Kenny reminded him that he had, like twenty pairs just like them.

"Ready?" Kenny pulled out a digital camera and Stan began to awkwardly pose. "No, no no. Look sexier. Lean against the mirror, not hold the perfume up, now thrust out your hip."

"Thrust out my hip?"

"Yeah, you know like when Chef had lady friends over and used to..." If anything more out of Kenny's mouth was written here, the fic would be banned.

They all laughed, and Stan finally did as he was told. He looked a little less awkward with the coaching from Kenny, but he still wasn't the best choice for this kind of job. Still, it would have to do. They didn't exactly have the money to get a professional.

* * *

They sent out ads, watching to see who's perfume would surpass the other. Cartman no longer sat with them at lunch, instead he managed to sit with Craig and those other guys. One day, Cartman finally revealed that his sales had gone through the roof. 

Actually, he rubbed it in their faces. "Na na na na na! My perfume is better than yours! Try and beat me _now_, assholes!" he laughed as he walked off.

"Grr..." Kyle clenched his fists and teeth so hard his gums hurt, and his nails dug into his palms.

"We need a new angle..." Kenny went into thought. Out of all of them, he seemed to know the most about perfume, or at least knew the most about making it look as seductive as possible. Hey, wasn't that the way perfume businesses worked? "I've got it!" Kenny snapped his fingers while Kyle and Stan leaned in to listen. "We've got a_ perfume_, right?"

Kyle and Stan nodded.

"And Stan is our model, right?"

"You're not gonna make me do a picture in my underwear, are you Kenny?" Stan looked worried, but Kenny just laughed.

"No, no. You see, Cartman's is a little different. I checked out a free sample the other say and he's actually made a cologne. Cologne is a type of perfume made for guys, so it's not as weird if he models his own stuff. We, on the other hand, have a perfume, which is designed for women. If we have Stan as our model, it looks pretty fucking weird, right?"

"I think I see where you're getting at." Kyle told him. Kenny nodded back in approval. "Yeah, me need a _female _model."

Stan let out a sigh of relief. No more posing or sticky hair gel irritating his scalp.

"Not just _any _female model. We need the best one in South Park. I think we should hold a competition to see who's worthy of being the face of our perfume."

"You mean like _America's Next Top Model_ or something?" Stan asked. "My mom watched that show sometimes. She's a huge Lyra Hanks fan."

"Exactly like that! Now, let's go print out some posters and hold the competition after school."

During recess, Kyle designed a poster and made several copies. Afterward, they skipped the next class and snuck around town to put up their advertisements. They managed to slip back in the school without anyone noticing, mainly because they had squeezed themselves through a bathroom window.

Actually, a mistake was made in Kyle's calculations, and they squeezed through a window that led into _the _girls' bathroom, and Stan fell on top of a poor, frightened Heidi who had been innocently washing her hands. Heidi started bawling when Stan threw up on her and ran to see Mr. Mackey.

"Holy shit, dude. We are gonna be in deep shit if Mr. Mackey finds out we snuck back into school." Stan told them, worried Heidi would rat them out.

"Mr. Mackey's retarded, and Heidi's probably crying too hard for anyone to even understand her. Don't sweat it. I used to land on top of girls all the time." Kenny reassured him.

"Fell on top of girls? How did you do that?" Kyle asked

"You think this is the first time I've ever snuck in here?" When Kenny saw that they raised their eyebrows at him, he simply shrugged. "Pretend you didn't hear that."

"Ugh. I'm removing that from my memory right now." Now Kyle looked like he was about to throw up.

When they got back to the classroom, Mrs. Garrison was writing 'The ball is red' on the board. All three of them managed to slip back into their seat without him noticing, but their classmates eyed them as they came in. Kenny passed out a couple flyers they had left to the girls and informed them about the modeling competition. A few looked pretty excited, even Bebe, Red and Wendy, who were probably the prettiest girls in the class. No doubt one of them would probably win.

* * *

When all the contestants arrived for the modeling competition, the boys were blown away. Especially Cartman, who was spying from the bushes. "Dammit, now they have all kinds of women there. And they're giving out _free _samples? Shit, I can't possibly compete with that! Or can I..." 

With that, Cartman ran off to Mephisto with a brand new scheme to help him make more money.

"Thank you for coming here, ladies." Kyle looked out at the crowd. He suddenly became horrified when he saw some of the competitors. Principal Victoria, many of the fourth grade girls, Shelley, and even his own mother. He never thought she would agree to this kind of thing.

When he was done with the opening announcement and they interviewed the 'models' individually, Kyle asked his mom what she was doing here.

She just smiled. "Well, booby, I thought it was _just so _cute how you were imitating one of the most famous shows on television, and I decided to come and support you. You boys are_ so _adorable behind your little desks, with your little clipboards--"

"Thanks, mom. Can we interview the others, now?"

"Sure, booby. I have to go help Ike with his homework, anyway."

"Glad she didn't stay." Kyle finally admitted "Dude, it would've been fucking weird to see my mom model for our perfume."

"She probably wouldn't have made it, anyway. I've already got a clue as to who can model for us. And not suck as hard as Stan."

"Hey!"

"It's true dude! You couldn't model to save your fucking life!"

Stan slumped back down in his chair. He honestly didn't think he was that bad at modeling, he just felt a little awkward in front of the camera, was all. Didn't everybody?

Many, many catfights, bitchslaps, and a few hundred pictures later, the boys had narrowed down their finalists. Principal Victoria wasn't so bad, except for the fact that she started most of the catfights and eventually, Barbrady had to come and arrest her for 'disturbing the peace'.

"Damn, she really wanted to model. Oh well." Kenny seemed to have no compassion, and acted like he had done this a million times. Certainly he knew more than Kyle or Stan, but he _wasn't _that smart, right?

In the end, their final contestants were as predicted: Red, Bebe, and Wendy.

This would certainly be a tough decision, and they needed the best one out of all of them, since Cartman was already working to surpass them...


End file.
